Three rules for new husbands

So there I was, minding my own business, when ...

My wife, Garnet, walked into my office.

"Let's go shopping," she said.

Now, mind you, I don't object to a shopping trip. However, it is well known some shopping trips are enjoyable, while others are difficult to swallow.

I'm reminded of a trip to an out-of-town store which sold only women's clothing located in a large shopping center.

"I'm going to the bookstore," I said, as we neared the store.

"Oh, I won't be long," Garnet said.

It is impossible for a husband to twist, wiggle or squirm away from such a remark. This is the Number One Rule when shopping with your wife: You must realize the statement "I won't be long" is a direct order to stay put.

I walked into the store and immediately spotted another man. The poor guy was bored stiff, looking as if he had been inside these walls for 500 years. We made eye contact and I smiled and nodded in his direction.

He nodded back, but the look on his face was pathetic. The look screamed "Save me," but as soon as I looked at a nearby stuffed chair, and then back at him, his look had changed to one of sympathy for me. He knew I was trapped and there was no escape.

My walk about the smallish store was short. I checked out all of the items of interest to me, the napkin holders and the colorful rocks used for decoration, before settling into the chair. The magazines within reach were all of a female clothing nature. I didn't touch them.

It is amazing how much time a woman can spend exploring a few racks of clothing. Rule Number Two for new husbands: No matter how tempting it might be, don't comment about the elapsed time or ask about the time remaining until leaving the store.

A few minutes later, the other man was heading for the door when he paused and looked back at me. He smiled and waved. His time in captivity was over and he was free again.

Time plays tricks in situations such as this. A period of 10 minutes seems as if an hour has passed. I know this to be true, because I once observed my watch through all 600 seconds of a 10-minute period. I can truly verify the time elapsed seemed as if an hour had passed.

Finally Garnet was at the cash register. Dollar signs danced in front of my eyes for a few seconds, but I shook them off as sheer joy enveloped my body. Freedom was near.

The bags filled my hands as the clerk handed them to me. She was wearing a name tag which also identified her as the manager.

"Want to make a bunch of money in addition to the clothing sales?" I asked her.

"Of course," she replied.

"Put in a wine and beer bar and add a big screen TV tuned to The Outdoor Channel," I said.

Garnet grabbed my arm and pulled me out the door.

But this day we were shopping locally. We walked through the front door together.

"See ya later," I said while turning left.

"Where are you going?" Garnet asked.

"To the hardware section."

A half hour was spent checking out tools, then I went looking for Garnet. Peny Archer was spotted as I rounded the corner of the cat food isle.

"Where's Garnet?" Peny asked.

"She's lost," I said. "I'm trying to find her."

Garnet was two isles over, looking at the bleach. I pushed the cart for a few minutes.

"See ya later," I said, returning the cart to her.

"Where ya going?"

"To the RV section."

Checking out all of the RV gear took less than 10 minutes, so I went searching for Garnet again.

Peny was looking at the peanut butter when I turned the corner.

"Did you find Garnet?"

"Yes, but she's lost again."

Garnet was located four isles over checking out a dozen eggs.

"See ya later," I said 10 minutes later.

"Where ya headed this time?"

"Gotta check out the sales in the sporting goods department."

This quest required 45 minutes, because good stuff was on sale and three items were purchased. The search also provided ideas for future outdoor columns.

I turned the corner of the soup isle and found Peny and Garnet talking.

"Found you," I said to Garnet.

"Ya know, Rich would take off, as you did, while I was shopping," Peny said about her husband. "One day, after I had paid my bill, I asked customer service to announce he was lost. On the loudspeaker the lady said, 'Would little Richie Archer come to the front of the store, his wife is ready to go home.'"

Rich was at the front of the store in a short minute, complaining about the need to make an announcement. Glancing at Garnet, I saw she was smiling after hearing the story and it made me nervous.

"Would little Denny Clay come to the front of the store..."

I sat up in bed in a sweat. It was 2 a.m. Garnet asked if I was OK. Just a nightmare I assured her.

These days I make sure to stick by Garnet's side most of the time during shopping sprees to the large stores. The hardware, RV and outdoor sections are visited, but I check in regularly with the cell phone and don't linger.

Visiting a women's clothing store still constitutes a dilemma. However the purchase of a tablet with Internet capability allows me to pass the time without too much pain.

Rule Three for new husbands: Remember happy wife equals happy life.