Outdoor weddings are special

So there I was, minding my own business, when...the doorbell sounded.

It was neighbor Bill McKinney with the mail.

You see, we take turns getting the mail, the one who is out and about town collects the mail at the boxes, about a block away from our houses, and delivers it to the house.

"Thanks, Bill," Garnet said, as she took control of the bag of letters and papers.

"Look here," Garnet said. "We've been invited to a wedding."

"Oh," I said. "Who's the victim?"

"Dennis, that's awful," Garnet said. "These youngsters are planning a life together and we have been invited to the share the beginning, when they take their life-lasting vows."

"So," I said. "Who's the victim?"

"Well, the bride is Morgan Miller and the groom is Devin Kearns."

"Run Devin run," I said.

"That's awful," Garnet said. These two young people have decided to share heavenly bliss and they have invited us to watch the ceremony."

I'm reminded of the joke circulating around the Internet.

"A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 p.m. His wife screams my hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, I'm still in my pajamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!  What the heck did you bring him home for? ... Because he's thinking about getting married."

Garnet snickered, but tried to sound stern, "Now that is not the correct attitude for such a somber occasion."

I'm a happily married man mind you, but poking fun at engaged couples and newlyweds is just plain fun.

So there we were, in the audience at the Hidden Meadows venue, when the ceremony began. The bride's maids were escorted into position by the groom's men. The swans paddled around the pond as the fish swam back and forth.

The music sounded and the audience stood and looked east. The bride and her father were walking toward the assembled group across the extensive lawn.

It was a truly charming site with the bride, beautiful and radiant, walking beside her father, himself glowing with pride. The only thing missing at the moment was a pair of cupids playing harps and another pair shooting arrows.

"Run Devin run," I whispered. Garnet jabbed me in the side with her elbow.

And the vows began, "Repeat after me..."

Crunch, crunch, crunch...

I heard the noise, but could not identify where it was coming from.

Crunch, crunch, crunch...

"Do you ..."

I located the sound coming from a woman one row to my front, and three people to the right.

Crunch, crunch, crunch...

At this point I was worried about her. Was she having a diabetic problem and needed a dose of sugar? That might have been why she was eating hard candy?

Crunch, crunch, crunch ...

"The rings ..."

Crunch, crunch, crunch...

A friend who was sitting nearby leaned over and whispered, "What kind of fish are those?"

"Must be trout," I said.

Crunch, crunch, crunch ...

"Mighty big trout, must be three foot long," he said.

Crunch, crunch, crunch...

"Sure would like to get a fly over 'em," I said.

"What would you cast?" he asked.

Crunch, crunch, crunch...

"Oh, a woolly bugger to begin with," I said.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Devin Kearns."

Crunch, crunch, crunch...

Everyone clapped, whooped and hollered.

Later Greg Warner, the best man, stood and made the first toast. He then told a story about the couple, which I'm sure will be recited by their children, their grandkids, and their great grandkids as the anniversaries roll by. Greg and a friend overheard Morgan and Devin discussing their relationship a year or so ago.

"I love you Morgan, I mean I like you a lot," they heard Devin say.

"Well, which is it, Devin?" Morgan asked. "Do you like me or do you love me?"

"Run Devin run," I said.

"Too late now," Garnet said. "They're married."

And the question was answered without further discussion or the wedding wouldn't have taken place.

Had the bride and groom been of a more outdoor-minded nature, the ceremony may have gone something like this: "Repeat after me ..."

"Look," someone says. "There's a rise."

"Where?" the bride would say as more dimples appeared on the surface of the pond.

"Hurry it up, would ya?" the groom would say to the preacher. "Time's a waistin."

"Do you...crunch, crunch, crunch ... the rings ... crunch, crunch, crunch ... I present to you ... crunch, crunch, crunch ..."

And all ran to the edge of the pond and took up fly rods, catching and releasing trout after trout, until the food was served; venison, elk and walleye of course.

The wine served would include names such as Big Fish and Fish Tail. The whisky would be Old Crow and Wild Turkey, and the beer would include Sick Duck, Dogfish Head and, of course, Moose Drool.

But, alas, this wedding was of a more normal nature. There was great food, dancing and visiting with friends.

The swans paddled around the pond and several 3-foot long sturgeon swam back and forth, providing the final elements to a setting at Hidden Meadows, which is stunningly beautiful.

Congratulations Morgan and Devin. I wish you a lifetime of outdoor adventures, as simple or extensive as you wish. Crunch, crunch, crunch ...