Hello? Can I get my moving sidewalk please?

I need more neat stuff.

Really, there’s been a complete lack of neat stuff being invented (or at least sold) for the last 10 years. Even the ubiquitous iPod was invented in 2001. Blogs date back to the Internet diary, which came about as soon as someone could start a Web page. There really aren’t any new inventions.

At least not something Earth-shattering or paradigm changing. Yes, I just used the word paradigm. May those who punish corporate speak descend upon me and punish me for my sins.

Anyway, I was talking about inventions. I’m not looking for flying cars. Yes, they would be neat, but somehow the idea an average driver would suddenly have to think in three dimensions scares me. This is because I’m an average driver and I have enough problems thinking about just moving forward, turning left or right and stopping.

How could you tell if someone was flying underneath you? Would the car come with some kind of floor window? It’d be like driving a fish bowl. Just imagine glancing up and seeing someone’s crotch as you try to maneuver your way into the road above your head.

That’s what I was thinking.

So I’m not really keen on the idea of flying cars.

Sure someone’s going to say the green industries is filled with new inventions. I don’t have anything against renewable electricity, but really? There’s nothing exciting about it. Well unless you love the planet in some way above and beyond what I’m comfortable with.

Yes, electric cars are neat. So are compressed natural gas cars, but neither are going to be the next Internet. I doubt we’ll see them hit the mainstream in any kind of meaningful way for years, probably decades.

Honestly, we’ll probably be putting people on the moon again before a majority of people are driving electric cars from Moses Lake to Ephrata.

Going to the moon again. I could get behind that, especially if we build a moon colony with lasers and robots. OK, the lasers are optional, but it does need to have robots. So I can sit in my chair sipping orange juice while my robot servants take care of my house.

OK, I’m somewhere between James Bond and “Star Trek” right now, so I’m just going to get back to the point.

If I can’t my moon base and lasers, I’d take some plain old simple inventions to make my life simple. What I need is slippers that heat up when you put your feet into them. Even better would be an attachment I could put on my sink so I can get ice water out of the tap. I’d take a portable ice maker.

A moving sidewalk would be neat and has a lot fewer problems than a flying car. Just imagine stepping out of your house and being propelled at a leisurely pace to your car, or down to the store or anywhere.

Is that too much to ask?

Cameron Probert is the Columbia Basin Herald county reporter. He appears to be channeling former reporter Matthew Weaver with this column. Mr. Weaver is still waiting for his hover desk.