Smelly dogs make me laugh

I like my dogs because they are a constant source of entertainment. They are walking punch lines.

Every morning when I wake up, I feed them. Homer, an anorexic-looking dog mixed with some kind of hound, gets five cups of dog food. He looks at the food and quickly runs back to his room and goes to sleep on his bed out of fear he will have to go outside.

Roxie, a collie mixed with Labrador retriever, gets two scoops for food. She is fat and on a diet. When I walk to the dog food bucket with a food dish in hand, she tries to wag her tail. Instead she wags her entire rear end due to her chubbiness and makes attempts to jump up and down out of excitement.

As I am getting ready, I hear faint munching sounds. Roxie steals a few pieces of dog food from Homer's bowl, hides behind the couch and chews when she thinks she is out of sight.

I say, "No Roxie, you're on a diet."

While I am brushing my teeth both dogs drink out of the toilet. It can't be avoided because it's what they prefer above anything else. They both walk past me, each wiping toilet water on my leg.

When I need to leave for work, I have to put them outside.

Roxie does as I say but when Homer hears "outside" he runs for cover. Literally. He runs to his room, curls in a ball and growls at me. I say, "Homer, outside," and he rolls over and shows me his pearly whites.

So I grab his paws and slowly pull him across the hardwood floor to the sliding glass door. I open the door and he runs outside.

Later I come home and I hear barking. Both dogs are eagerly waiting on the other side of the sliding glass door. I open the door and they run their laps inside and Roxie steals Homer's food.

Now it's time to go on a walk. I pick up the dog leash and Homer runs to the door and sits with his ears perked up. Roxie runs in circles, wagging her body because she can't wag her tail.

I have to take them on separate walks because Homer is insane. When I open the door to take him outside, it's like a starting gate at a horse race. He drags me outside and a runs the first half of the block on his hind legs. He urinates on every fire hydrant we walk by and investigates all animals he sees while attempting to run in front of moving vehicles.

Roxie on the other hand, will walk next to me without tugging and causes no problems.

The rest of the night consists of Roxie trying to steal food from Homer, Homer with his head stuck in the sink looking for human food.

When all seems calm, Homer stinks me out with silent gas.

Candice Boutilier is the Columbia Basin Herald city reporter. The adventures of Roxie and Homer are well known to her co-workers at the newspaper.