Weaver a proud member of sneeze patrol

"Whaaaaaa-CHOO!"

"Bless you."

Ah, "Bless you." Or "Gesundheit."

These are the words members of my troop wear proudly upon their sleeves.

Don't think of us as heroes. We don't think of ourselves that way, but as ordinary men and women, just doing our civic duty.

We're not even official. We're just the people who bless other people when they sneeze.

It seems to happen a lot around the Columbia Basin Herald office. Many postulate this is because of all the newsprint and ink flying through the air.

I like to claim it's because I'm allergic to work, and the instant I can find a reputable doctor willing to sign off on that little note, boy, are the fun times going to roll: "Please excuse Matthew Weaver from work for the rest of his life, but continue to pay him. It's not his fault he is allergic to productive employment."

In the meantime, while I besiege the medical community with frantic phone calls and requests for second, third or 118th opinions, I continue my vigil, ever on the alert for the combustible combination of elements which lead my friends and co-workers to suddenly explode.

I always marvel at the wide variety of sounds these expulsions make, ranging from virtually silent to loud and boisterous, from rapid machine gun fire to ridiculously adorable. A girl I knew in high school would punctuate her sneezes so that they ended up sounding like a question, "Achoo?"

Of course, my own sneezes often rip forth with the weight of a grizzly bear and send me running to the restroom to wash my hands. I could get more descriptive here, but it would probably put a lot of people off their lunch or dinner, and if I'm not around to snag the remainders, then what's really the point? I ask you!

Then there are those people who sneeze several times over a short period of time. After about the 18th sneeze, I begin to become suspicious. Clearly the person is lonely and just trying to garner attention, abusing my position as a proud member of the unofficial Sneeze Patrol. Eighteen cries of "Bless you" later, I better see some snot …

My own personal goal is to one day be able to sneeze the name of American musical composer John Philip Sousa. I don't know why this is my goal, but I'm sure you'll agree, it's an awfully lofty one to have.

Sousa's name just lends itself to being sneezed, don't you think? Half the work is already done for you: "Wha - wha- whaaaaaaaa- JOHN PHILIP SOUSA!"

And just imagine the reactions of whoever is lucky enough to be around to witness that momentous occasion.

Plus, it sure beats burping the alphabet.