Weaver shows signs of maturity in spite of self
Don't tell Matthew, but his co-workers have begun to notice that time is taking its toll on him.
Despite my best efforts, I am beginning to become a mature adult.
Beneath this cartoon-watchin', Ghostbuster-aspirin' - whoa, "aspiring" minus a "g" is aspirin! - Smurf-lovin' fuzzy big kid exterior there lurks the heart of a responsible adult.
How in the world did this happen? I was so careful!
Ever since that fateful first day of first grade, in which we were assigned the arduous task of writing down five words which began with the letter B, I've dug my heels in, resisting any attempts to turn me into a fully functional grown-up.
To any first graders reading this column, that first spate of homework is how they get you. Be careful, my young friends, it's a slippery slope: Once you turn in that first homework assignment, they're going to expect you to turn in every homework assignment!
Oh, to be able to go back and warn my young self, assure him his uneasy feeling of dread about the whole thing was correct, even if Mom and Dad were right and it took longer to gripe about doing the homework than it did to - bear, ball, balloon, back and bagpipe - actually complete the assignment.
Lately, however, I've noticed some rather alarming signs that I might actually be turning into a productive member of society, and if there's any word I hate more than "grown-up" or "responsible," it's "productive."
How have I evolved? Let us count the ways …
1. I pay my bills. And, as such, I experience the nagging feeling of self-doubt each month, too: "Did I mail off my student loan payment? I know I wrote the check, but is it actually in the mail?"
2. Sometimes when I order dinner, I have a baked potato instead of french fries. Now, I haven't read the Book of Revelation cover to cover, but I'm pretty certain this is one of the portents of the impending apocalypse. Hopes remain high, however, because one of the next portents of doom is "Lo, and Weaver shall findeth himself a lady friend who shall not retcheth when in his company. And yea, they shall maketh out."
3. During a recent friend visit, we did a lot of no-cost events and were fiscally responsible. Which is actually quite a feat, as most of my chums know that when they visit, they usually need to bring their wallets. I am quite the eater.
4. I've had the weather conversation. Where you're talking with someone amiably enough and all of a sudden, you find yourself saying, "They're saying it's supposed to be in the 70s this weekend." Next up, I'll be discussing the Dow Jones …
5. I'm renting foreign films. For fun! Subtitles! For fun!
6. I go to bed at a regular hour. Which makes sense as a "responsible" worker, but if I'm up too late past said time on weekends or holidays, I am unable to function the next day.
7. I don't drink caffeine or eat past 7 p.m. most work nights. Otherwise I get all jittery and have a hard time sleeping. Which is a night and day difference than the days in college where I could chug a Mountain Dew, then conk right out.
And the most alarming maturity trend I've discovered about myself …
8. I eat adult cereals in the morning. Things with names like "Blueberry Good Morning," or "Banana Nut Healthy Environment" to them. Or "Peachy Keen Oatmeal." But mostly just on weekday mornings. Come weekends, if there isn't something with a "Pebbles" or a "Treats" in my cereal bowl, it's just because I haven't woken up yet to watch Saturday morning cartoons.