'Call me at 509-765-4561, ext. 107'

My gosh, do I hate having to leave a message on an answering machine.

Usually right about halfway through saying whatever it is I have to say, I wind up getting distracted, either by something going on around me or a sudden, random thought:

"What is Future Wife going to think when she sees the stuffed Baby Smurf I've had since I was three?" for example.

Which, of course, makes the message I'm leaving suddenly come screeching to a halt, which only gets me more flustered as I picture its recipient getting more and more aggravated by the sudden starts and stops, waiting for me to wrap things up.

After leaving enough of this kind of message in my professional life, I finally was able to hone things down to one very simple message that's pretty hard to screw up:

"Hello, this is Matthew Weaver. I'm a reporter with the Columbia Basin Herald, the newspaper in Moses Lake. I am hoping to get in touch with you for a story I'm writing regarding (the topic of the article I'm working on, for humor's sakes, let's say, evil clowns). I am hoping to reach you by this time in order to make my deadline. My telephone number is 509-765-4561, extension 107. Once again, that's Matthew Weaver, Columbia Basin Herald in Moses Lake, 509-765-4561, ext. 107."

There! The very essence of professionalism, no?

But even such a foolproof technique comes equipped with a fool. Sometimes, I'll use my failsafe method so well, I go into autopilot, particularly if it's early in the morning, and suddenly become concerned I've neglected to give my contact number or identity.

In which case I overcompensate by repeating it several more times, to the degree the lucky evil clown expert on the other line has to be rolling their eyes or hanging up the telephone in disgust, like "Yeah, I got it already, Matthew Weaver from the Columbia Basin Herald in Moses Lake."

Of course, answering machine messages I leave in my real life are still long, rambling and full of observations like, "Whoa! You'll never believe this, dude, but I was standing out in the parking lot and a seagull just flew over and missed me by thaaaaat much! Anyway, as I was saying …"

Hmm. This may be the reason very few people call me back to play catch up. And mustard.

That or the fact I use that condiment joke religiously. With relish.