Ever met a zombie?

I am terrified of zombies.

My worst nightmare is being attacked and eaten by a zombie. I sleep next to my cellphone and car keys in case a zombie gets into my bedroom while I'm sleeping. My escape plan involves me jumping out the window, making a quick escape in my car and calling the police. Then I run the zombie over. I won't stop to double check if it's sufficiently smashed, I will just run it over and hope it's a fine liquid.

Despite my fear, I love zombie movies. My favorites are "28 Days Later," "Fido" and "I Am Legend." I get scared as I watch the movies but at least I know when it's all over, zombies aren't real. That is until I found out, by my definition, zombies are real.

The dictionary defines a zombie as an animated corpse and as folklore.

Phew, what a relief. Describing my fear as folklore is preferable because it allows me to sleep at night.

If you go to a bar and request a Zombie, you generally get a concoction of rum, vodka, pineapple juice, orange juice and sweet and sour mix.

My definition of a zombie is someone who dies and comes back to life a long time after resuscitation efforts end. If they are just plain dead and stuffed in a body bag, that sounds dead enough to me.

A few weeks ago I was told people have come back to life long after resuscitation efforts were over. Not just a few minutes, but hours later. I didn't really believe it and started to worry I might have met a zombie, interviewed a zombie or maybe even be friends with a one of the living dead. So I did some quick online research, hoping to find nothing.

I found something.

I read an article about a child who died from heart failure. The child was dead for close to an hour and he came back to life as the parents were mourning his death. The strange and great part is the child suffered no long-term damages.

Miracle? Medical mystery? Maybe, but I say neither.

It's a zombie. I would keep that kid away from flesh.

When I shared my thoughts with a co-worker I was asked what I would think if I were the parent of that child. Would I be happy or scared?

I say both. I would be happy that me and my zombie kid can go on sharing our "life/lives" with each other but I would keep that kid muzzled. But seriously, that's wonderful the child lived.

Then I started thinking, have I met any zombies?

I hope not. So if you are a zombie who eats flesh, stay away from me. I wish to keep all my flesh intact. I do not want to become one of the living dead biting people for sustenance. I have no qualms with zombies who are not flesh-hungry, though, so please don't assault me if you see me.

I read another "article" that I am certain was fake. If it's real, I won't be sleeping at night.

According to the article, it told of scientists euthanizing dogs, switching out a few body fluids and reviving them three hours later. The article stated the process would eventually be tested on humans.

This sounds more like a scary movie to me than an actual procedure. Someone should produce that movie because I would watch it while clutching my dogs for protection, hoping they don't turn into zombie dogs who eat people.

If this were actually a real procedure, I would begin investing in knight armor and a jousting stick that sprays bullets to keep hungry zombies away from me.

So if you see someone walking around in armor, it's probably me. Stop and say hello, unless you are a zombie who eats flesh. If you are a zombie with no desire to eat flesh, we can be pals.

Candice Boutilier is the Columbia Basin Herald city and politics reporter. Her opinion provides insight as to the strange looks she gives fellow coworkers when they are extremely tired.