Moses Lake soldier completes poetry book

Writing helps author work through post-traumatic stress

MOSES LAKE - Ben Merrill deals with life after combat in his first poetry book, "Journey through the Darkness: Poems from a Diseased Mind."

Merrill, a Moses Lake resident, self published a collection of poems written in the midst of post-traumatic stress disorder. Many of the poems were written in mental-health facilities and during time spent in an alcohol treatment facility, said Merrill, 29.

The poems helped him work through the post-traumatic stress developed in Iraq while serving in the Navy as a hospital medic for the Marines.

The poems, he said, are based on raw emotions.

"I'm hoping that someone somewhere will read one of my poems and say, 'Man, I felt just like that,'" Merrill said.

Merrill said writing is a great experience. He doesn't feel like he is working. It is something he has done since he was a child.

"My mom and dad gave me a typewriter when I was little," Merrill recalled.

Merrill joined the Navy in 1997. He worked at an oncology ward in Portsmouth, Va., for three years, then transferred to U.S.S. Nassau, where he excelled.

Orders came to go to Hawaii, and Merrill went. While on shore duty, Merrill made two trips to Iraq.

Merrill said his decision to serve in Iraq was influenced by his father serving during Vietnam and because a friend decided to go.

"I volunteered to go," he said.

Merrill was on a seven-month deployment from August 2004 through March 2005, providing medic support to convoys from an aid station in Camp Fallujah.

During his time at Camp Fallujah, Merrill had his first experience with casualties. Two highways sat in front of Abu Ghraib prison, and a gas line along the highway was hit, forcing vehicles to go around the highway in the sand to bypass it.

As he traveled around the highway, he saw a truck of fellow soldiers following behind him.

"I was looking at the truck, and they hit a mine," Merrill said.

People from the town then began shooting at the vehicles.

Merrill and others jumped out of their vehicle and ran across the two highways. He learned later he was being shot at, but he didn't realize it at the time.

"That's all I could think about, was to get to the hurt people," he said.

One soldier lost an arm and the others had shrapnel wounds. Merrill saw blood stains. They brought the casualties behind a vehicle on the street and loaded them into a truck.

They brought the wounded soldiers to Abu Ghraib prison, where there was a surgery center.

"I never been so glad to see a big red cross in my life," he said.

For his service, he received a Navy achievement medal. The event was his most dramatic during his first trip to Iraq.

In March 2005, Merrill took a yearlong break because he had developed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

He made the decision to return to Iraq, and served again from March 2006 to about August.

"The reason why I went back the second time is I wanted to die, really," Merrill said.

Merrill said he was too afraid to commit suicide, so he decided to press his luck in Iraq.

The second time he traveled to Iraq, he was diagnosed with chronic post-traumatic stress disorder and major depression and relieved of his duties.

His wife at the time stayed around as long as she could, he said.

"She really tried to give me love, even though I was just messed up," Merrill said.

Merrill's captain sent him to an alcohol rehabilitation facility, but he ran off to Florida in the middle of treatment. He called his wife and told her where he was headed. She, in turn, told his captain.

His captain had police pick him up in Florida and take him to a mental-health facility.

While getting help for his post-traumatic stress disorder and problems with alcohol, Merrill began writing.

"There's a lot of times I would write certain poems, I would just cry," he said.

He deals with issues including his experience as a doctor in Iraq, his failed marriage and alcoholism.

The poems he wrote are in the book, as well as some newer ones. Many of the poems were written when he felt angry, he said. He believes people can relate to his poems, whether they experienced a troubled marriage or problems with alcohol.

Merrill still suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and an anxiety disorder, but he is doing much better, he said.

"It's pretty shady where I'm at, but it's not a pitch-black room anymore," Merrill said.

Merrill said although he sometimes wishes he didn't return to Iraq the second time, he doesn't regret joining the Navy.

"I love the Navy," Merrill said. "The Navy did huge things for me. I'm just a kid from Virginia with a GED, and they gave me a chance to be somebody, and they gave me a chance to serve my country."

To order Merrill's book online, visit http://www.lulu.com/ninelives.

Merrill said he would be happy to autograph copies.

For more information, call Ben Merrill at 509-855-2496.