SWF seeks coffee baron for jittery future

Do you drink coffee? Great.

Do you brew coffee? Even better.

Do you grow coffee on thousands of acres of lush estate in Kona, Hawaii? I'd like to meet you.

One of my co-workers, understanding my endless affection for all things latte, suggested my perfect match might be a coffee baron. I agree. After all, what could be better than a young twentysomething couple with acres of budding frappes, lattes, mochas and cappuccinos growing in their back yard?

Although it is a long shot, I knew the newspaper column could be my chance at finding love. So, here it is, my personal ad:

Single white female seeks young, robust lover and heir to large coffee estate anywhere in the world. You must be willing to drink coffee with me in one of your many fields, sweet talk me with tips on grinding savory Sri Lanka espresso, and ponder the meaning of life without lattes.

We can grow old and jittery together as we reflect on all that is ground for a coffeepot…

Maybe my standards are too narrow. Is a simple love of coffee enough for a relationship to last, or does it have to come with estates attached? What about other matters, such as intelligence, education, hobbies, religious beliefs, amount of snoring, and degree of bad breath in the morning? I don't know. I haven't thought through my proposal that far because no coffee barons have arrived on my doorstep lately.

What I have thought about, is the main question I will ask on our first date. The most telling detail about a person lies in the question, "hot or iced?"

A person who prefers hot drinks is not a morning person. They are either drinking coffee super early to feel like they are still warm in bed, or they are drinking it late at night and need to keep warm.

A person who prefers cold drinks is usually cold-blooded and should be avoided, unless the afternoon is especially hot. Or, they may prefer cold drinks because they love mornings and want to feel at one with the cold weather.

If there's a coffee field involved I will accept either personality, even though my psychic coffee abilities seem tilted in favor of late-sleepers.

My only requirement is you let me roam the fields from time to time (every afternoon) and provide coffee stands along the way so I can replenish my energy.

Above all, you must without a doubt love coffee more than I do.

Chrystal Doucette is the Columbia Basin Herald health and education reporter. Yes, she is fully aware of the hazards of caffeine but pushes on to savor every cup of joe she can wrap her hands around. The newsroom wishes her the best of luck in finding true love amongst the beans.