Alba pregnant; who will love Weaver now?

I don't get why all these celebrity starlets are in such an all-fire hurry to get married and have babies without moi.

The recent news of Jennifer Love Hewitt's engagement and Jessica Alba's pregnancy means my dance card is looking a little emptier in the days ahead.

Shallow, bitter people would point out that my dance card is just as empty as it's always been, but we don't pay attention to the needlessly mean.

And besides, said card is a little emptier, because now there's less … sniff … hope in it.

Sad thing is, I predicted this very thing months ago, when the tabloids first posted news that Alba had broken up with beau Cash Warren:

"Recent reports have indicated Alba and her longtime boyfriend, Cash Warren, have split up. Of course, due to the fickle nature of the heart and the time delay upon which this column is written, they could be reunited, happily married and on their third child as you're reading this."

Oh cruel time delay! Had that column appeared one week earlier, perhaps I would not be writing this, my saddest, more heartbroken column ever! Jessica would have seen it and been so intrigued, we'd be on our honeymoon right now.

But, despite my persistent grumbling as evidence to the contrary, I am nothing if not a glass half-full kind of guy.

For starters, this means I no longer have to demand an apology from Miss Alba for forcing me to sit through the baser parts of "Good Luck Chuck" - literally anytime her penguin specialist character was not on screen - and ask her to refund my money.

And if we turn our eyes to the horizons of Hollywood, we will find there's no shortage of available ladies who, I am certain, would be ecstatic to trip the light fantastic with a furry columnist from the Columbia Basin.

Lindsay Lohan: Um, no. Waaaaaay too much drama.

Paris Hilton: She is reportedly seeking a nice guy with which to spend her time, but think of what it would do to my reputation.

Britney Spears: See Lohan above RE: drama, multiply by 50. And my co-worker Chaz Holmes already declared dibs.

Olivia Wilde: Sigh. The new "House" star is married to a prince. There's no competing with that.

Megan Fox: Engaged to a "Beverly Hills, 90210" performer. Even I have my standards.

Amber Tamblyn: The star of "The Grudge 2" and the dearly departed "Joan of Arcadia" has a "Twin Peaks" actor for a father and is a published poet. I'm intrigued. And she was on "General Hospital." I'm sold.

Eliza Dushku: Originally Faith the Vampire Slayer, she's reuniting with "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" creator Joss Whedon for a new show. And she refuses to do nude scenes, which means I won't have to worry about half of America sneaking illicit peeks beforehand. Darn near perfect.

Missy Peregrym: Has appeared in "Heroes" and is a co-star on "Reaper," which may or may not be back by the time you read this. And she was in the should-be-more-famous-than-it-is "Stick It." Like Tamblyn and Dushku, she seems to have a good, beautiful head on her shoulders and isn't so scary-thin I'd be afraid of cracking her like a toothpick. Although that last name is intimidating … on the plus side, her nickname could be "The Peregrym Falcon," which might be a dealbreaker as far as Missy is concerned. But it's infinitely more awesome than "Snoogums," I'm sure even she would agree.

So, we have some definite contenders. In the months ahead, we shall see which one proves herself worthy of spending time with Weaver … and for those who misbehave badly enough, there can be no more suitable punishment.

Fare thee well, Jessica. I wish you nothing but happiness as you choose to settle for a life that's Weaver-less and perfectly … adequate.