The Tao and Te of Rocksteady and Bebop

The recent success of the newly renovated "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie, expected to hit stores in DVD format in August, left me mixed.

The fact Sarah Michelle Gellar (ex-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer") clocked in as April O'Neill was the best casting news since Morgan Freeman was tapped to play previously underwhelming Gotham City resident Lucius Fox in "Batman Begins."

And the "TMNT" movie was much better than I anticipated.

On the other hand, there's no Shredder.

For those not up on their Ninja Turtle lingo, the Turtles without Shredder is like Superman without Lex Luthor, Batman without the Joker and James Bond without a megalomaniac mastermind trying to take over the world with a white cat in his lap.

Such villains serve to prove why the main characters are heroes in the first place. They represent the terrible odds the good guys must overcome to prove they're deserving of the designation on their way to save humanity.

My brother and I have enjoyed the original 1987 Turtles cartoon series as it releases in dribs and drabs in DVD format.

Some of the 'toons don't hold up — sometimes, the shellbacks' hero logic is tenuous at best, and the women are poorly written, either as lovestruck bimbos or aggressively amoral, perhaps because the writers were lazy as they appealed to a young, male demographic only too eager to practice ninjitsu upon one another, a demographic which at the time, possessed deep-rooted suspicions girls carried cooties.

Where the writers struck comedic gold, however, was the antics of Shredder and his marauding band of ne'er-do-wells, consisting of Krang the living brain and mutant rhinoceros and warthog henchmen Rocksteady and Bebop.

I suspect one could comb through the series and come up with a bunch of philosophical gems from lovable loser thugs Rocksteady and Bebop as they followed their bosses' orders in an impossible task: Rid the world of the heroic Turtles. More often than not, their efforts fail, but they remain stoic in the face of tremendous adversity and unappreciation from those higher up.

One could come up with enough for a small book, I'm thinking, the equivalent of Benjamin Hoff's "The Tao of Pooh" or "The Te of Piglet." I don't know about you, but I'd pay good money for "The Tao and Te of Rocksteady and Bebop."

Consider the nuance of Bebop's reply to Shredder's annoyed query in "Sky Turtles," in which the bad guys have wreaked havoc all episode long with a machine which takes away New York City's gravity. Because the Turtles have taken their anti-gravity boots, the rhino and warthog have been just as affected as their intended victims. (Hey, I said they were good. I never said they were Shakespeare.)

Shredder: "Where have you two been?"

Bebop: "Oh, here and there."

Or take "Pizza By the Shred," in which Shredder ingeniously sets up a pizza operation, in hopes of luring the Turtles out of hiding to make their quintessential bizarre topping orders. Through an accident of circumstances, our in-disguise hero Michaelangelo winds up applying for a position at said shady establishment.

Any doubt from Shredder gets thrown out, however, the instant Mikey mentions he has wheels.

Shredder: "You have your own car? Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

Michaelangelo is instantly hired.

Sigh. Good times were had by all, especially by longtime Ninja Turtles fans imparting their enjoyment of a "classic" onto a new generation.