Gnomes and ukuleles: One team's 'Amazing' journey

MOSES LAKE — Our motives were totally pure: Our boss said she'd buy us lunch.

What follows is the true, totally real story about two reporters who decided to risk it all and try out for the opportunity to be on "The Amazing Race."

Gary: What is this show? "The Amazing Race?" Is that the one with Rupert? Or Reuben?

Weaver: We've heard people who are too normal don't get on the show. So Brad and I have to up our weirdness quotient to stand out. Which is why Brad wore his gnome outfit. We don't question why Brad has a gnome outfit, we just acknowledge that he does and try to move on. No judgment here. Nope. Nooooo judgment.

Gary: Doesn't everyone have a gnome costume? And God, Weaver copied me again! Hawaiian shirt! Now we're going to be the only ones who look like twins at this thing. I just gotta know though, what did he put for question number 12? I've only got 15 minutes to finish this application. Dude, what are your phobias?

Weaver: We departed for the Grant County Fairgrounds just as my notorious procrastinator of a teammate finishes up the crucial application process. We arrived at the fairgrounds a little before 10 a.m., where a line had already formed. Brad, being the one who was "working," immediately handed me all of his props right before we get out of the car, in addition to my own reporterly gear. He'll wear the aforementioned gnome costume, while I am to wear beads and play with a little toy ukulele. Brad obviously doesn't realize the trouble he's asking for here: I'm the kind of guy who, when handed a toy ukulele, will play it. With gusto.

Gary: My new nickname for Weaver is "Tiny Tim." He couldn't play the ukulele either. By the way, can you hold this hat for me? But seriously, I think we should bicker in the audition tape.

Weaver: No, we shouldn't.

Gary: That's what I'm talking about. We could at least get on the blooper reel.

I'm starting to feel that 40 days on the move with Weaver might prove difficult. He doesn't even want to TRY bungee jumping. And for some reason he's worried about the zip line across that gorge in Bolivia. Wait, how high and deep did they say those canyons are?

Weaver: I am apparently only along for this trip as a place-in-line holder and holder of Brad's props. On the plus side, people are asking me if I can play the ukulele. Perhaps I am actually a ukulele maestro.

Gary: I've never heard a better time for "The Patty Duke Show" theme to just start playing. "Cousins, identical cousins." These people are all crazy lookalikes. Wait a second … do you see all these people with signs and homemade shirts? Were we supposed to, you know, prepare for this?

Weaver: The KREM people call ticket numbers to determine the order in which interviews will be filmed. Because there were not a lot of contestants, everybody who showed up will get the chance to be on film. I am not worried. We are in the first half of the line. Brad stands next to me in line, and immediately gives me his props to hold while he "gets back to work and goes to interview people."

Gary: Maybe we should form an alliance. With an axis of us, the Incredibles from Royal City, and Michelle and Deane from the Columbia Basin Herald's advertising department, we could be unstoppable! MUAWAHAHAHA! MUAWAHAHAHA! Wait … Do you think maybe we should get on the show first?

There are some great dynamic duos here. The Garza Girls, the pageant mothers, the brother and sister who stayed overnight in line at the fairgrounds. But there is one twosome it would have been nice to see; that pirate gear from the Pumpkin Regatta shouldn't be an October-only affair. Bluenose! Captain Teals! I'm talking to you!

Hey Weaver, umm … very "professional" with that ukulele playing.

Weaver: While still holding Brad's props, I twang out a few chords on the ukulele, and ask the people around me if any of it sounds like music yet. They look doubtful.

Gary: The Incredibles are right in front of us. They look prepared, or at least more prepared than we are. Maybe they should be on the show. Wait, Weaver, why are you running into the corner crying? We haven't even auditioned yet. What are we going to say?

Weaver: We stand outside and watch the teams in front of us film their interviews. A lot of people are awfully well spoken and passionate about their desire to be contestants, which makes Brad's and my argument that we should be on the show because we really don't want to be on the show seem … less well spoken. I begin to worry a little.

Gary: I'm not sure, but did they turn the cameras on?

Weaver: We say … something for our interview. Brad does most of the talking. I twang on the ukulele a little at inopportune moments. Brad explains that we thought it would be fun, if nothing else, to make fools of ourselves with our audition tapes. I add that I think we've done a good job. I really don't remember — it was all a blur.

Gary: Are we done? Thank God! Now I've got to go throw up.