\Denial, Confusion good names for new state

Last week, it was announced that State Sen. Joyce Mulliken, R-Ephrata, is one of 11 state senators sponsoring the bill to consider creating a 51st state.

This week, turns out Senate Joint Memorial 8009 will not go for a vote, and the state will remain in one piece.

Well, good. I hate change as a rule — although I love the way it jingles in my pockets.

And nothing would bring greater change than having to cross a state line in order to visit friends in Seattle. Never mind that I've only been once, for a wedding, for a week several years ago — change is bad in general.

I think I've sussed out the real problem behind the 51st state, and the reason it was shot down so quickly.

It's not that the political differences between both sides of Washington — which Mulliken said Friday have gotten stronger and stronger, leading to many feeling politically under represented — have suddenly vanished.

No, both Democrats and Republicans remain annoying in their constant stubborn attempts to be the party to come out on top. Why, oh why, can't more people take on the viewpoints of the Tories and the Whigs? We haven't heard a peep from their respective platforms in years …

It's not entirely the vast pitfall of decision making that would greet the creation of a new state, although I'm sure that was a significant factor. Forget the economic restructuring that would have to take place — how the devil would we select a new state bird? Louisiana's got the eastern brown pelican, while New Mexico's got the roadrunner, for crying out loud. The roadrunner! The pelican! There's no competing with that! Their state birds could beat up our state bird, easily!

Actually, further research shows that, at present, the great blue heron is not presently a representative of any state. Hmm… if all this 51st state talk continues to be futile, we might have to strongly consider booting the willow goldfinch …

But no, the problem with the 51st state lies solely within its name.

East Washington. Wouldn't exactly set us apart as a wholly original people, would it? The obvious alternative, Columbia, wouldn't exactly quell confusion with our nation's capital, Washington, in the District of Columbia.

And the state abbreviation would just be embarrassing, the type of expression uttered upon spying something considered gross — "EW!" Not cool. A state abbreviation should be macho. Like TX, or VT.

Naming a new state requires some outside-of-the-box thinking.

If you're going with something out of American history, why not Roosevelt? We're already one state named for a president who never lived here, plus Teddy and Franklin were both larger than life individuals. That image, that respect, could transfer over to the new residents of RO.

Or we could sell the right to name the state to the highest bidder. That's a tricky undertaking, though. While it would be awesome to say, "Oh, I hail from Xerox," or my hometown is "Quincy, Proctor and Gamble," we could just as easily end up living in Kleenex or something even more embarrassing.

Instead, let's look to the heavens, and rename our homes Mercury, Lower Neptune, Venus or Saturn-Upon-Earth. Dear lawmakers: Please note the absence of the planet Uranus from the list of potential names, and proceed accordingly.

Why not rename the state Weaver?!!?!? No, huh? Just … just putting it out there.

But upon even further reflection, perhaps far more reflection than the situation requires, I think it's time to right a wrong that has long been ignored. For too long, the letter "Q" has been absent from the state names, and it's time it, at long last, receive the recognition it deserves.

I thereby propose that the next time talk of a 51st state surfaces — and believe me, it will, those involved name the new state Quackenbush.

Its abbreviation would be QU, narrowly beating out the other states that would no doubt be quickly trying to hop on the "Q" bandwagon, or, in journalistic style guides, simply "Quack." As in a untrustworthy physician, or the sound a duck makes. Draw your own conclusions.

But "Quackenbush" is a good, strong name. It looks cool, and would bring with it volumes of respect. It has one letter more than "Washington."

I'm starting to suspect that if even half of these argument points had been put forth, we'd still be talking about a 51st state. Maybe even a 52nd …

Matthew Weaver is the business and agriculture reporter for the Columbia Basin Herald.