Fahrenheit 101

If you haven't watched Fahrenheit 9/11, consider yourself lucky. You would not believe what that Moore fella is up to these days. No doubt in my mind he hates America.

I went to see it Saturday and I must say, the entire experience reeked, just reeked of anti-American, communist perversion.

As soon as I bought my ticket, I wanted to take a picture of myself next to the Fahrenheit 9/11 poster, to put next this column. That was not to be, however, as I was quickly reminded that American photos and Marxist films do not mix.

Two people, no doubt Moore's goons cleverly disguised as the popcorn lady and the theater manager, came out and very politely told me that I could not use cameras inside the theater, but to enjoy my movie, anyway. I thanked them and I walked away, a bit shaken up after such an encounter with the Enemy.

I had just seen the worst kind of Communist evil, and it wanted me to supersize my Coca-Cola.

Alas, I had to fulfill my mission. I was going to see Leninheit 9/11 if it was the last thing I did, which it probably would be.

The previews began. A movie about the Kinsey Report, which if you did not know, is about that nasty three-letter word that rhymes with flex. Can you believe it? A movie with that in it, in America!! I shoulda gone and seen "Catwoman" instead!! At least with Halle Berry in a leather suit, there is no chance for anything that racy.

Oh, the sickness of it all. To think that Castroheit 9/11 had not even begun yet, and I already had the dry heaves. The second preview was not as nasty, but it was kinda dull. An overused tale about a shark attacking people in the water. It reminded me of something I saw years ago. "Mandibles" or something, I couldn't put my finger on it.

The next preview was of "Silver City," a Chris Cooper film about an American president with no clue and with Big Business whispering in his ear. It also reminded me of somebody, but I couldn't quite place it either. Probably Martin Sheen.

Anyway, the movie began, and it was the biggest piece of anti-patriotic filmmaking I have ever seen. I mean, seriously, this movie does to America what "The Killing Fields" did for Cambodian tourism.

This flick is two hours long, and only once in the entire film, does somebody say what a great country we live in. The rest it's just communist brainwashing by Moore. When they talk about the American soldier who died in battle, like automatons, all 20 of us in the theater got teary-eyed. When Moore drove an ice-cream truck around the Capitol, like zombies, we all laughed. Brainwashing, I tell ya.

This film takes advantage of tragedy in such a hypocritical way, it's sick. it had shots of the Pentagon in flames, shots of World Trade Center debris, shots of New Yorkers crying.

It made me want to scream 'C'mon, Mike! These people were suffering there!! First we take photos of it, then we make films of it, next thing you know we'll have people using the very city where all this happened as a stage for political parties and their conventions.' But I didn't. Moore's hypocrisy was too blatant. Besides, the goons were probably still outside.

This movie just does not stop parading its maker's hatred of America. From showing kids wanting out of poverty by joining the Armed Forces, to people meeting to work for peace and eat cookies, to the lone patrolman dutifully protecting the Oregon coast, to the crucifix-wearing mom honoring her soldier relatives by putting American flags on her front yard, this film is a disdainful portrayal of all that is wrong with the U.S.

(I mean, it mentions only once what a great country we live in!)

I regret seeing this film. It made me think. Can you believe that? Think! Thinking is something Americans reserve for when we lose the keys to our SUVs, not for the movies. True, sometimes we think at the movies, but it's usually more like, "Did I just waste nine bucks on this?"

It made me cry. Cry! Crying is something we reserve for truly important events these days. Like when Bachelor Bob picks the wrong girl, or when the superstar's shot goes wide right at the buzzer and the bookie's on the phone.

It was so un-American. These days a trip to the movies in the U.S. is just yet another chance to pork out on carbonated drinks and oily popcorn. Not to get too political here, but if you want WMDs and they are not in Iraq, they are right outside a movie theater. Just ask your arteries.

The theater till did not stand a chance. Putting in serious jeopardy the flow of cash in the American economy, 20 anti-patriots stayed glued to their seats until the very end. Some hated it, some loved it. Some clapped, some didn't. But they all left thinking the same thing. We saw the movie, we made up our own minds and society didn't crumble. This IS a great country.

We knew it was. We heard it once in the movie. And it was Moore who had said it.