And the next Governor is…

Well, your guess is as bad as mine.

Yes, I admit it. I went all CNN-in-2000 on you two weeks ago and I called Dino Rossi governor-elect in a story. The Secretary of State had said he was. Two days later, King County gave me, Sam Reed and the entire state a big, fat not-so-fast 130 times over. And today, Reed is certifying Christine Gregoire as the winner.

So I apologize if I caused you to open that bottle of champagne or that bottle of Prozac a bit too quickly.

Having said that, Rossi is still fighting for his right to party at the Inaugural Ball on Jan. 12, and chances are, this state will have to face the embarrassing fact of having a Ball, but no governor.

Illinois has a governor and voters there picked a dead guy for Congress. Rhode Island has one and that state is so small, the front lawn of the Governor's Mansion is in Connecticut. Wyoming has a governor and nobody knows why, since nothing ever happens there. Meanwhile, Washington is Florida West.

Do you know what that means? It means that the State of the State speech might have to be given by the lieutenant governor Brad Owen, a very capable, personable man, who just happens to be about a foot and a half tall.

"My fellow Washingtonians. I can see our future, and it is bright. I can't see over this podium, though."

We can't have that. Not with Oregon's leader a former Marine, with Idaho's governor a close pal of Bruce Willis, and with California's leader a man who used to pick his teeth with all sorts of movie monsters.

So we gotta choose. And what are our choices this year? Mrs. Gregoire is attempting to become second female governor in history. And while Governor Locke was the son of immigrants, Dino Rossi is the grandson of immigrants. I tell ya, immigrants are the best thing to happen to this country. Not that I am biased or anything.

Mrs. Gregoire could bring some of that maternal instinct to the office. Either the legislators approve of her budget proposal or they are all grounded.

Mr. Rossi could bring some of that Italian attitude with him. Ask him a question he doesn't want to answer and he could go, "You talkin' to ME?"

Therefore, we gotta find a way, either by having each candidate take the WASL or giving each candidate a shot starting for the Sonics, (first one to foul out wins). Or we could do it the old-fashioned way, with a public debate.

The only difference is, Rossi would not be allowed to say "Dinocrats" and Gregoire would not be allowed to say "tobacco companies." Any slipups and state party presidents Chris Vance and Paul Berendt get hit over the head with a baseball bat. First one with a concussion wins the election for his party.

Maybe, we could localize the election, and let the Columbia Basin pick the destinies of the state. How about a spelling bee? First candidate to correctly spell Sinkiuse, Toppenish, Wahluke, Yonezawa and Moraga, wins the job.

We could also pick our leader based on toughness. Shake Dick Deane's hand, first one to wince loses. Or a tamale eating contest in Mattawa's La Popular, and then try to stay upright a minute skating at the Wilson Creek skateboard park, the one that Tony Hawk helped build. Automatic second term if they even know who Tony Hawk is.

Maybe we could get their spouses involved. Mr. Rossi and his wife against Mrs. Gregoire and her husband at Michael's on a Karaoke night. Whichever couple does the most god-awful, nails-on-a-chalkboard version of "I Got You, Babe," wins.

Rock-Paper-Scissors, Spin The Bottle, Pin The Tail On The Outgoing Governor, the choices are many. And yet, with only 15 days to go until the Inaugural Ball, the shoe still does not fit anybody.

I have a solution to their problems. Let's make Tim Eyman interim governor between now and then, and tell the parties that if they can't pick a winner, Eyman earns himself a four-year term. It would be the quickest-solved election in the history of the state.

I can almost hear the candidates, "Whew! It was almost Governor Eyman. Thank goodness for thumb-wrestling."